My college

After a subpar performance in the college entrance examination (making excuses for my own incompetence), and under the strong recommendation of my elder brother, I enrolled in the computer science program at a technical school that was nicknamed 'Huangpu Junxiao' Looking back at my four years in college, it's a mixture of regrets and happies. Among the few achievements, aside from making friends from all over the country who shared my aspirations, one is summoning the courage to reconnect with my long-lost love. Fortunately, we crossed paths again and have come this far together. The second is earning the qualification to pursue a Ph.D. under the guidance of an academician after the fierce battle for postgraduate recommendation during the second half of my junior year.

I'm well aware that the former was the result of my youthful courage and vigor. As for the latter, I know that luck played a much more significant role than my ability. I'm acutely aware that there are many more deserving individuals, and I am merely a fortunate opportunist. At this moment, when I think of the classmates I studied with for four years, those whose backs I continuously chased, and those with whom I learned day and night, and even those whom I used to consider less competent than myself, I can't help but feel a sense of nostalgia. As time has passed, everyone has gradually found their way, achieved the lives they desired, and improved every day, while I seem to be stuck in the same place. When did I start falling behind them?

I recall my initial days as a freshman, boasting with friends during military training, only to realize that I was overconfident and ignorant shortly after, especially during the first computer programming test. The aforementioned geniuses could easily score A on four problems, while I sat there, staring at a whole panel of 'Wrong Answers.' During the entrepreneurship course, everyone displayed their skills, proficiently operating various LED lights and robotic arms, while I watched the motionless machine, feeling helpless. It was then that I realized how much more capable the people around me were, and how little I knew. My emotions were once in extreme chaos, and I even contemplated dropping out. Fortunately, I didn't act on that thought. With the encouragement of my parents and advisors, I persevered through those difficult times.

However, those days were not entirely dark. I made some good friends, as mentioned earlier. In this way, I completed my freshman year in a haze. In the second half of my freshman year, I gradually started learning about computer science through my continuous efforts, but it was just the beginning. At that time, the main courses at the university were probability theory, college physics, mathematical analysis, discrete mathematics, and other non-hands-on subjects. These courses had a high credit load and were based on the knowledge I had learned in high school. I found that if I solved enough problems, I could tackle more difficult ones than they could. I could score higher than them in the final exam, rank higher, and have a better chance at postgraduate recommendation. At that moment, I felt like I could compete with them and stand on the same starting line. It was like the moment in the anime 'Naruto' when Sakura finally caught up with Naruto and Sasuke during the Fourth Great Ninja War. At that time, 'qualifying for postgraduate recommendation' was everything in my mind.

I thought those days would continue, and everything would fall into place. I believed I would earn high grades and secure postgraduate admission to a better university. But after that, what would happen? Suddenly, I was stumped, just as when teachers used to say in high school, 'Study hard, and everything will be fine after the college entrance examination.' However, after achieving this goal, I realized it was only the beginning. During my undergraduate years, I spent a lot of time on in-class studies, and I was content with scoring one or two points higher than my peers. I was complacent, not realizing how much my classmates accomplished in their free time. They published numerous papers in top conferences, completed internships at major tech companies, and won awards in coding and robotics competitions, while I stared blankly at a few math competition certificates. For them, they could apply to better foreign universities, pursue a Ph.D. under renowned professors, or directly start their careers at major companies. They had many options, which I envied. They knew what they wanted, and they had numerous choices. It suddenly hit me that academic achievement and ranking weren't everything, and comparing myself to them was meaningless. Perhaps, in the 'university' game, I had won, but in the 'life' game, I surely felt like I had lost. It was like the scene in the movie '3 Idiots' where Rancho was always pursuing excellence and innovation, and it was only a side effect to surpass Chatur. His primary focus was his own interests, and exceeding Chatur was just a casual occurrence. In contrast, I was even less successful than Chatur, which is ironic.

I started self-reflection and exploration, trying to find my direction and value. I gradually realized that achievement and ranking were just symbols of my student days, and in real life, a person's value and success couldn't be measured simply by these. Looking back now, my college life was full of regrets, but it also taught me many things. I learned how to face failure and setbacks, how to find my direction and value, and how to keep learning and improving. I also met many outstanding people, whose talents and abilities I admired. My four years in college were filled with regrets but also incredibly precious and unforgettable experiences. They taught me valuable lessons, and I believe the experiences and lessons will stay with me for life, serving as a source of motivation for continuous growth and success.

As I entered the Ph.D. program and set ambitious goals for myself, I aimed to achieve remarkable results during my Ph.D. and make a name for myself on another track. However, I've come to realize that this is not an easy task. I haven't been exceptionally favored, and I set my goals too high, bearing the burden of high expectations. Looking back on my first year in the Ph.D. program, I've been mentally drained, spending my free time unproductively, accomplishing little, and failing to develop my personal skills. I completed my advisor's assignments, relying on old knowledge and assistance from senior students and my advisor. The recognition and praise I received only deepened my sense of guilt. Thinking of my aging parents, waiting for me to bring my girlfriend home, seeing my peers consistently improving and surpassing me, and realizing that they were even more exceptional than I had imagined, I decided to reshape my self-perception. I have no other choice but to work harder and smarter. Although I know that being a laborer doesn't offer the best prospects, the internet has passed its rapid expansion phase, and I'm not passionate about technology, many of my classmates have already embarked on entrepreneurial paths and seem to have a better understanding of the field's potential. Furthermore, they are born into more privileged backgrounds. Nevertheless, given the current situation, self-improvement, continuous learning, and personal development are the best solutions.

Recently, I've unintentionally met many top students from other schools (including those who have already published five papers in top conferences during their senior year). After reading their personal blogs, I've decided to start my own blog, take notes on my learning, and summarize my experiences. I hope to maintain this practice and bring about changes in my life. I wish for more papers, more internships, and more hair!